That Fair Lady...

It's been five years now...
I remember it like yesterday.

3 in the morning, we were out, for a hunt, we named
It was a dingy alley where the cabby pulled over.
A semi-lit building with crooked men and beautiful women.
Sad but beautiful...

We were turning sober, and were not liking it.
We had our bargain, a good one that was.
five hundred apiece, an hour,
each a woman of our pick.

Reluctant as we were, we made our pick.
Each a different choice.
Choice! the lowest any man can stoop down to I thought...
I did not say it aloud, I acted excited. That day,
that day was our big adventure day!

Adventure I thought, I wanted to kill myself and all men there!
How low us men can stoop down to!
I picked a girl, the most somber one.
Didn't know why, I just liked her.

In, we went to an even dull-lit room.
Small, shabby and ever so disgusting now I recall.
She sat and stared.
I had a feeling she would cry.
Cry and kill at the same time.
Never once had I seen such emotions in any eye.
It was deep, dull, mellow and angry,
yet, there was a hint of a long gone light.

She took off her shirt.
How old are you I asked.
25, she lied and I smiled.
Put on your shirt I said.
I'm sorry, I lied, she said terrified.
I smiled again, she was true this time.

Five minutes gone already she said.
I lactate, so be gentle she said.
I just sat and stared.
I wanted to scream, to rip those souls outside apart.

Yet I sat and stared.
I'm 20 I said, and my name.. I started
Don't! she said. 15 minutes gone - she said.
What's your name I asked.
Lie, it's good I said.

She just sat and stared.
20 minutes gone I said.
She blinked twice and held back a smile.
She hastefully unbuttoned my shirt.
I made her lie down with all clothes on.
Sleep I said, I will wake you up in 30 minutes.

She stared even more.
She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.
I stared, stared for a long while.

What I saw tore my heart and I cried.
It tears me apart till this day.

I saw a beaten lady.
I saw a teenage girl with hopes and dreams.
A young girl, beautiful,innocent and mischievous.
An adorable little baby in her mother's arms.
I saw her and I cried.

I did not know if she was asleep.
She clutched her stomach as if in pain.
She was in pain.
My hand acted on its own.
It reached her forehead, and she opened her eyes.

I hated myself and the hopeless band called society that I lived in.
Only ten minutes to go then she said.
Only ten minutes to go I repeated.
She got up and ruffled my hair.

Thanks she said. Sorry I said.
You're a good man I think she said... I know I am not, I said.
Good man, and a fool too.
That, I am I said and she smiled again.

Out came a knock on the door.
Five minutes it cried.
I closed my eyes and leaned back...

I was fourteen she said.
It was 6 years ago.
He took me, took all of me.
And he gave me a child in exchange she said.
And with that he sold me she said.

I never saw the baby she said.
It was gone - they said.
I cried, and cried for a week,
and another week.
But then I was too weak to cry.
To cry and to have men twice my size and age on me she said.

I emptied my wallet and the only and last ring I had worn,
kept it all on the bed by her.
She said - too late for mercy to help don't you think?
It isn't mercy I said.

You could have lied.. - she said.
I should have lied... - I didn't...

With that she leaned and kissed me on my cheek,
It was gentle and painful, I felt it, she didn't wish to leave.
Neither did I. I kissed her on the forehead.
She told her name.
The name then nobody knew and noone ever will.

I never told any of them.
Never will I ever tell them any of it.
Out when I came, nothing happened, I told them.
And we believe you they said...

I was lying, they knew.
I was lying, it was true.
Of what - only I knew. I and her...

Often I pay those women on these dark alleys today for nothing.
I pay, and I walk away.
Maybe I am a fool, maybe I am not.

I'm Here and I Will Be There

Oh it took a while to come back.
To get to where it all started.
To look further like I used to.
It took more than a while, it did.

Hiding from myself,
and trying to ignore existence!
Trying hard not to notice that
I had been slipping away.

It took a little longer to realize these.
Anticipation, anxiety and choosing despair.
I should have seen myself doing it.
I reckon I had, and I know I pretended that I hadn't.

But I can't fool myself.
I'm way too smart for myself.
With myself, I have always been egoistic.
I am the only thing I fail to be in harmony with,

Now it is all done and gone.
It took longer than usual to realize that
what I have is what I chose.
And what I choose makes me who I am.

Maybe that is how God imagined it all.
Maybe that is why he doesn't let us imagine.
Maybe memories make our being.
Memories that run through veins.

Now I choose to make things happen,
like I usually do.
Now I choose to be there,
and see the end.

This, I know is not a late comeback.
I know there is an end to time.
An end to our lands.
And end to our existence.

But I choose to be there when it comes.
I choose to hear it when the whistle is blown.
I choose to listen when time says
you're time is up.

I believe death is definite.
But I choose to live all through time.
And see death coming, when I really want it to.
It could take a hundred years, or a thousand.

But I will be there.
One way or another,
God willing, I will be there.
I just chose to.

it is

What is it that I feel!
This ticklish pain on my chest
I'm at peace and I float
I'm calm and I feel it now
It is of a new kind of feeling
A sensation like never before
Is it love?
No, I've been in love before
this isn't love
Is it compassion?
no it can't be
I've felt that before too
Could it be a void of some kind?
that I mistakenly enjoy?
I don't reckon,
if it is a void afterall
I would have delved deeper.

It is the strangest of all
It is a new kind of joy
A joy with pain
The pain that soothes
It is but realization I dare say
It is belief I believe
It is submission, I conclude


This faith that knock time and again
keeps me running
it keeps reminding me
that there is light
there is light,
for darkness needs light for its very own existence 
there is light
because if all places are dark
then no place is dark


This light that I have inside
keeps me walking
The very light which makes me feel this
right here on the chest
it makes me write
it shows no borders
it shows no rules
it just sits there lighting itself, and me
listening to me
it listens and I know it understands
is it an angel?
well it could be
or it could just be another alter of me
but its there
it knows no grammar 
it knows no words
but it communicates
it talks with my mind
and I am but my mind
and I comprehend


It keeps me awake
blows air into me
and makes me believe in God. 

Randomly Freaking!

I, am a believer
I, know science
Science much much more than my atheist brothers
But, I am a believer
I see things, things that everyone sees
I have seen things, things you wouldn't want to see in all hells
I have seen nature.
Nature like you have never imagined.

I have lived with her.
I have lived with her like you had never thought possible.
I have seen streams flowing,
flowing and trying to take me away with them.

I have seen mountains.
Mountains big and with sheerest of cliffs.

I have seen woods.
Woods at ages when you had the least idea what they are

I loved them, and I still do.
They loved me more and they still do.

And so they tried to take me with them.
they still try to take me away.

But I still breath. Breath their air.
Taunting them with my faith,

I still breath and - I
as hard as it may seem, am still alive;
full and whole and full of pride.

I, the son. The legitimate one,
still live to tell the tales.

And so they love me more,
but I still live on and,

I know the tales.
I sin, I change.
I keep sinning and I keep changing,

But then nature is worried.
She's got powers endowed upon.
But she can't use them on me.
She, is scared;

not that she would lose me.
She knows she's a part of me.
She's scared she would lose.

She has no experience losing.
I do, and I cope.
I do and I avoid.
She's not,
and so she's worried.

And I am now, set on a mission.
A mission to outlive her.
And I will. I can't leave her alone.
I want her gone before I'm gone

And I'm going nowhere.

I am good

Too Bad to Ask?

I see phony faces and prejudice,
and an out of date culture.
I see envy, I see greed and I see hatred.
Am I the only one who feel the way I feel now?
With full of shame and disgust!?

There are a billion of us
and we brag trash.
Is it too much to expect some hearts?

Claiming lands - we hail humanity.
Lost in pride - have we lost all humility?

Love and peace and more of bluff;
all for children I do realize.
But how is a little faith and compassion too much to ask?

Do you see grown men dressed, and playing balls with sticks?
Don't you miss being real men?

Tampered systems and wannabe citizens;
do you see any hope for this country?

Where's all the life gone?
Where did our fathers go wrong?
Why are we still stuck with all cliché?
Why are we still herded by morons?
Most of all, why are we a failure as a nation?

Screw You - Life

Life hates me

Life tries too hard
and it hates me.

All the tests and all the scores,
all along the path.
Path to where I am now.

Life keeps trying to weed me out,
but O No, I ain't no creeper.
I have roots;
roots older than life itself.

I know the fact of the matter:
Life's mad at me.
Because life's lost,
it tries, and it tries too hard.
Only to lose again.

All the hurdles that it put;
I broke them.
I could have just crossed over them,
but Oh No, I had to break them.

Life's got rules to follow.
And I don't,
that makes life hate me.

Life hates me,
because life's the only thing I keep blamin.
but what do I know!
Life's not that strong.

Life hates me because it feels weak,
because I feed on it.
I have been sucking its soul out.

Life, a funny little word!
I have been riding on it, and
never once would I let it ride me.
It despises me
it could never win.
There are never the arguments
It's all statements.
I state, and life listens.

Looking back at it;
all of the things it put me through!
All of the weapons:
the angers, the misery, pains and the tears -
nothing broke me.
It all touched me.
Sometimes too deep and sometimes too scarring,
but nothing could break me.

I disarm; I overcome,
and that is why
it hates me.

Life's a bitch.
It keeps trying to screw me
over and over again.
But I don't give in.

With all its baits:
the hunger, the pride, love and booze and blood, and all the dreams;
but Hell No! I don't fall
not even a sniff.

I'm strong and life's not,
it hates me for that.
Life's a coward,
it can't accept defeat.
I can, I have the heart.
I can, and I can get up again and fight.
Life can't and that's what makes it hate me.

Life's too feeble,
it's too short and it's confined.
I am all the synonyms of their antonyms.
I have limped for miles and miles;
limp, not just walk,
only to prove life wrong.
Life's wrong and that makes it hate me.

Life's needy,
it needs me for its existence.
It's evolved and it needs me/

I don't, I was created.
I was created without a life.
without a history, without a course.
I puzzle life, it's scared of my enigma.
Life doesn't like mysteries, it's stupid.
It can't like me so...
it hates me...

Life's arrogant, its a bully,
it loves playing people like balls.
Now it can't do it to me,
It doesn't have the balls to play me.

Life's tired and is too proud,
but To the Hell with its pride and,
Damn its conceit.

Life hates me because
I'm too Tough for life.

So...

Au Revoir Brother!

We've had some good times together,
some great moments together,
and some really bad moments.
But one thing's for sure;
good or bad, they had all been memorable.
You had been a good friend,
an amazing critic, the worst of enemies,
a soothing tune, an instigating poem.
You were there when I needed
You were there when you weren't needed too
You had been a good friend indeed.

You've taught me things.
Things nobody would or could have taught.
Some are painted, some are etched and some - scarred.
But they are invaluable - invaluable of course.
You helped me grow up.
Thank You for all of the things you have done.

But it's about time that we split up good friend.
We two are great together.
We are like oil and fire on water.
We don't blend, we burn, we glow, we light up;
but in the end, we vanish.

I don't wish to disappear all that soon.
I've got things to do.
Little they are important,
but I've got things to do.

And you my friend,
I don't want to be sick of you.
That has always been the difference,
you're no girlfriend; you never suffocate.
I would like to say hi time and again.
But no goodbyes.

So here we part O Brother Booze.
Farewell to you.
You be good.
You know I would be when I'm alone!
Until we meet, peace be with you..
Au Revoir.

I Should Go..

Been a while now...
since I'd looked up at the sky
Wondering what's beyond

It's been a while
since I'd stopped on a roadside
and thought how majestic that tree was

Those hills that I grew up in,
those cliffs that taught me life,
those friends who loved exploring...

It's all there waiting.
Like they need to raise me more.
Now that I think of it.

I really think I should go.
Nature's been the best best all along,
the lonely walks, the spilled bloods,
the wet old woods, the spikey pines
and even those little mushrooms
are calling for me.

I should go and to thank them all
I should go and tell them I love them
I should go, or they'll come

They sculpted me
I belong to them.
This little happiness, these lame words I write
it all belongs to them...
I should go and tell them I will be back home soon'
I should go, or they'll never forgive me.

Here's to the mountains and streams,
to the berries and the flies,
the trees and the rains.
Here's to tell them how much I appreciate,
and how grateful I am.

I am coming home brother nature..
I'm coming bro... to reclaim my life.

Inside

Held up tears and salty blood,
a thousand screams and flow-less thoughts,
tombs of dreams,
ashen smiles,
Hidden pains and heartless flesh -
all inside of me.

There's a burning guitar, some unheard strings.
Stolen words and sought out truths,
vain thefts and loyal cries -
it's all inside of me.
There's faith in there, hope in there;
bounding lines and bonding lies -
they're all in there.

Dreary stories unheard:
Mismatched life and mistaken paths,
thwarted steps and hurdled races.
Wasted signs and broken rules -
and more inside of me.

Unlinked letters and meaningless words,
unformed sentences and unearthed languages -
all buried in me

Hate in me, there's loathe in me.
Suppressed anger, distracted vision -
focusless sight's inside.
Slipped away love and a numb soul,
denied rights and snatched memories,
there's a rebel inside of me

Strange limping-strides that I take,
the strolls I go, the songs I write
they're all to hide - this search inside of me

A hundred egos none care of -
there's an angry kid, a frightened girl
a wise old man, they're all inside of me.

There's an outlaw, there are disguises
and reasons to break-free,
there's a giant hard songbird  in me

There's mindless words and a lot of sense -
there's rock inside of me.

The meaning of meaning - that is inside me.

The Phoenix Me

I like the Phoenix,
not for the myth,
not just for the stories.
I like the Phoenix
for it is rebirth

Phoenix is hope,
it is the core of cure,
the wings of faith.
Faith, faith in future for better.
Phoenix, it's the symbol of change,
and change, is always for the best.

I like the Phoenix,
for it holds on to its past
to give birth to the future.
The past which turns history
mysteriously repeats itself,
and every while it does so in a better way.

I like the Phoenix because,
I'm like the Phoenix in many ways,
so many ways.
I'm like the Phoenix
I never let go off the past
And I give birth to myself quite often
I am the change, I am the cycle,
I am destined to be my own destiny;
much like the Phoenix.

And Phoenix, very rarely realizes this.
And when it does,  there occurs a rebirth.
This, is one other cycle in me.
Another time that I realize this.
And now, I am born again; this is rebirth.
The new me, with all the past filled in.
All the more stronger and full of changes.
Full of faith and hope.
Another time I realize that

I'm young again.
And the world is open, just like the last time.
I'm being born again, and rebelieve
that,
I am the Phoenix.

The Expensive Sleep

I'm done trying to live.
I tried and I tried,
it's only been a few years though.

Maybe all of that was a mistake -
the desire to taste the good, and the filth
I tried, and I reckon I failed.

And I think I need to quit.
I'm not a quitter,
but then again everything has a first time. 

Suppose it's time to say goodbye
to all the swill and the smoke and all the fabled fun,
to lock that part of life inside the chest.

Grave ideas brace my mind
Death as painful and scary as it may appear,
strangely seems a little agonizing.

It's no wish, I don't seek death.
A coward, I'm afraid of dying.
But it still seems like less pain.

But then again, I can't die.
I can't afford death
It is an expensive drug.

It's that impasse again
I can't lose, it's not my fight.
And with what I owe the world, and the folks

I merely can't afford death.
As peaceful and serene as it may appear,
death is still an expensive sleep.

I'm no saint, I'm no significant,
yet, I couldn't let them regret giving birth to me
when they find me gone.

Never once have I considered
that a day would come
when I would day-dream about death.

Of all my day-dreams, death
appears the most unattainable.
I simply cannot die.

The stakes are high, the price is high.
It's way too far to reach.
Time and energy is scarce to try. 

I don't have the heart to die. It has gone rock solid.

Broken Words.

What do broken bricks remind you?

What do broken houses remind you of?

Do you see history? Do you see dreams?

The past no one knows?

Do you see broken dreams? Broken homes?

Often I hear those half-life’s longing

desperate cries to look at them,

to rebuild them

or to destroy them to the ground

full and whole.

Ever thought that somebody

had sweat dropped,

had bloodstained their life to raise that wall?

Ever thought that somebody had

had a life, had

made a life under that roof?

I see stories in them at times

stories never told, never written

beautiful stories of mystical, mysterious past

stories that are never the same

ever-changing, everlasting stories

Do you wonder why nature lets them stand on?

ever thought that perhaps Mother Nature writes on them?

Like poems on scrap paper, like a sign

hardly noticed, but full of words.

I finally see what is meant to be seen.

I see thwarted efforts.

Remains of achievements.

Evolution of history.

I see broken words.

An Offer I Could Never Deny!

Give me a price I could never deny

One day with no worries,
One day without memories,
One day with no sleepless night,
One day without day dreams

Just one day with no one around,
Only one day with a little peace,
One day with my mind at ease,
Just one day with no lying around..

Give me one day to enjoy my breath,
A single day to smile at the sun,
One day to play with the wind,
A day to feel my heartbeat.

That day to see clear things,
Day to forget my days,
This day with no broken smiles,
A day to cry with no dry eyes!

Give me that day I'll trade my life.
For that day I'll kill all life.
For the day of broken music,
Today I would do all sins.

This wish is so toxic,
but I would take it.
Just show me the way
I'll let all hell break loose.

That day is the price
I'll sellout, just show me where to sign.
Just one day, for one day,
I'm ready to lose it all

A day without debts, without questions,
without phony smiles, fears & sadness,
With no anger and hunger, with no thought of another day...
I would lose it all for that day.

Astray.

I'm an Ant gone astray.
Taken by a droplet,
I managed to survive.
Ashore now, I'm none here.
I lurk around with no identity.
The water dropped no pheromone,
and I'm a goner where I belonged.

No colony to work for.
No queen to serve.
Brain's got no hint, and
My feet's got nowhere to go.
Raised too proud, I deny killing myself.
Waiting for an unknown predator,
I wait for the end.

Over now

Stupid thoughts and stupid words

I'm done living that same old life

drunken nights & broken bones

I'm done leaving blood stains.. on my clothes

I'm starting now and alone

I don't want to be in your stupid cloud

Should being a man takes it to be social

I'd rather be known as an animal

yes I am him, the anti-social

I'm done lying around

I'm done dying to live

I'm done being in line

No more living for you

Search for life is so unreal

the minds are all so tainted

no point living a vegan - eating crap

Screw all, screw the world

people are so damn boring.

I can't stand them anymore.

news reports and protests

dumb slogans and politics

it's all full of dirty lies

I'm done pretending 

that I care

Looking back I regret

having lived a shady life

with morale and rules

it was all so wasted

I'm changing now.

There's a road up ahead

and there's one I came from

I'm leaving them both

I'm making my own path now.

Don't care where I want it to lead

Don't want to turn back now

I'm moving on. 

The old world that I leave behind

doesn't even deserve a goodbye. 

I m just moving on.