That Fair Lady (A Follow-Up)

 I still pay those women on the streets and walk away.

Still won't say a word—
barely even lock eyes, I smile, pay, and walk away.

Like I did 11 years ago.
Like I did another 5 before that.
The knot in my throat has only grown bigger.

Like a scar I won’t let fade,
I hold on to this memory.

The memory of that broken soul,
broken—yet beauty intact.

Funny how memory works—
it's 3 in the afternoon,
and I'm swept back to 3 in the morning—
that city that never sleeps,
that dingy alley,
that mattress reeking of bug spray,
and that wry smile as she lied—
"I'm 25."

The lie was soft, the question unimportant.
I had enjoyed it—I had smiled.
"Put on your shirt," I said.
Have I ever sounded as kind?

I don’t even pause to think.
It’s just habit now.
Just another ritual—like checking the lock 13 times.
It’s just another ritual.

But even as the paper leaves my fingers,
the weight is always the same.
The weight of her stare—
heavy, weakening, still pulling at my heart.

As ordinary now as I was then.
The world seems to have changed.
The 500 I paid for that hour seems smaller even.

As I thought then, I think now—
how low we men could stoop!

That pretend-excitement, that supposed adventure—
little did I know it would make me.
It was that night.
The boy turned man.
Dropped his innocence on the table with the ring.
Perhaps I thought it was fair—
she had lost hers six years prior.

I remember her clutching her stomach,
perhaps filling the void
that the unborn left.

Every time I think of it,
every time I try not to,
that sight pinches my heart.

My memory’s a winter window,
I barely see the past clear.
But those four lines of her story—
her voice quivering, tears pushing through closed lids—
wanting to tell more than she could.

I did hear more than was told.
Those four lines have been the longest I've ever heard.

She said she never saw the baby—
"It was gone," they said.
She cried and cried, she said.

But then she was too weak to cry.
Too weak to cry,
too weak for men twice her age and weight,
pressing down on her, she said.

How low can we men stoop to!

It feels like both an eternity and a second—
the moment that ring hit the table.

The contents of my wallet.
The ring.
And her voice— “too late for mercy.”

“It isn’t, mercy.” I had said.

“You could have lied,” she said.
I couldn’t be happier that I didn’t.

That soft, weightless kiss on my cheek.
Her name, the real one, as she whispered it—
to this day, locked in my chest.

I swore to myself never to tell the lads.
I keep that promise,
as close as I hold that hour to my heart.

Funny, looking back—
Walked out the door saying, "Nothing happened."
“Oh, we believe you,” they said.

Funny, the way I smiled.
Funny, the way I still do.

Oh, it was true I was lying.
Of what, only I knew.
I and her.

I still pay them on the streets and walk away—
maybe not as often, but I still do.
Still won’t say a word—
I barely even lock eyes.
I smile, pay, and walk away.

Note:

"I wrote a more raw version of this 11 years ago. After all these years, it called for a follow-up. The original was titled That Fair Lady. If anyone wishes to read it, I can share it here."

Instagram: AM (@am.poemsofsorts)

Silence

Sometimes, at the end of a day, my ears physically hurt.
They hurt literally...
Those days all I try to do is sit quiet.
I sit quiet, try and turn off everything I can.

The whizz of the fan hurts, the sound of my breathing does too.
I sit down quite. I turn off everything.
Mostly, I'm at peace.
But sometimes, the silence hurts more.

Not philosophical, not emotional, and not spiritual - the last one to be the last thing to ever be!
The chaos that I go through...
The noises this world is so in love with,
everything hurts my ears.

It used to be the case that silence would hurt till it heals.
But these days, I come, I sit in silence.
It hurts that it is silent.
I should be over feeling things by now, I know.

Over feeling anything, especially pain!
Pain, just like other things, is just weakness.
But sometimes I still feel it.
Not just in my ears.

Coming home to an empty house,
how I used to love it!
The peace and quiet, the darkness and the smell of nothing!
A big part of me still does.

The big part doesn't seem to matter anymore!
The little chunk, the one that's clinging on...
That for some reason calls the shot.
For that and for that alone, I will end it.

The need for me to need someone's sound,
I should do better.
Love, my dear self, is just chemicals.
It's gratefulness that makes one sane.

Grateful, I am to her, will always be.
Shouldn't hurt the ears to not hear her words eating dinner, right?
It seems it will - always.
Good that the pain threshold is big.

Be big... just a few more years, or days, whichever's the case...
The grand silence will be upon me. I should and would hold on...

You belong there

Ever been on a beach? Watching the waves crash?
One after another.

You see the next one forming up...
and you think every wave tries to get you.

Sometimes you like it, sometimes not
But you keep looking at them - you can't stop...

These waves, they're wondrous!
Forget the science, think of the thrill, the menacing roar!
Yet, they calm you down...
You feel you belong there - with them.

Eerie silence and darkness creeping around,
but the horizon reminds you that the world is out there.

It's open and you're a free spirit - you're not trapped.

Next time you see the world shrinking around you,
look at the sky - there's nothing locking you in
and the sea's out there, under the sky, not too far from you!

Go.

Find yourself at home one more time.

The way we are...

Feeble, weak, fragile, and stupidly condescending
failed, fake and weirdly masking a fake pride
we've turned everything that ever was meant to be
to something that even nature wouldn't have attempted to give a chance!
We are not good the way we are...

What organs do, we don't know
when they go wrong, we don't know!
consciousness, a big joke...
conscious, about what?
images processed by a thing that's not even completely evolved?

Trust me when I say, we're not good the way we are!

Seeing what's going out there
knowing what it all could be
predicting, analyzing, knowing things!
knowing thing!! - kill me now... knowing things!
knowing things, delusional we are, and worst, denial we are in!

Call me trash and stop right here, but we are not good the way we are...
can't control the way blood flows
can't stop a tissue from overgrowing
can't even know when something stops functioning - consciousness my rear!
sentience, I can't even manage to laugh at the thought of it!

But you can when I say we're not good the way we are...

Way we are, my fellow blob
that's what you are, that's what I am
blob, the way we are is the least place where any evolved creature can be in here!
sadly, that's where we are
truth is, that's where you are

Where I am or what I am?
Not where you are
and I'm certain, not even close to what you are...
I am nothing I mocked up there... I'm not
I'm not and you know the reason!
I'm not because you never even thought of any of it... let alone smirk!

I am smirking, and I hope you all vanish.

Truth is, I know you all will - the way you are, you shouldn't be here...

Trust me, you won't be.

Lonely Train

On a lonely train... and the tracks don't end.
It just moves, on and on, and on...
I'm here in it; the only one in it.
A lonely passenger on a lonely train I am

On an on I look, I look I see nothing
nothing but objects passing by, whizzing past
getting a glance, a single frame movie is what I am, to them...
But they, they make it all seem alive to me. Momentum, keeps me awake.

On a distant land I fancy, there is a station I'd stop at
The distant land I've looked forward to for ages
I never reached, never stopped...
Deep down I know, I never will; that distant land doesn't exist!

Vision vivid and ears buzzing
I yearn for something to see, to make sense
Should I jump? I can't decide
what's out there anyway! it's all but still...

Through The Roof of Glass

Looking through the roof of glass
I wonder if they see us down from the heavens
Wonder what they see...
Wonder if they know what we know...
Of the dreams, the sorrows,
Of little happiness, of pain unspoken...

Through the roof of glass...
Is it possible to hear the hearts?
Of the silent cries for help? The longing for love?
Do they tenderly smile and nod?
Or do they mock and smirk?
Are they up there wondering!?
Wondering why we do, what we do the way we do?

Through the roof of glass, do they know?
That what's seen isn't all real?
That smiles deceive?
That they hide agonies and evil alike?

Miles and miles above
through the non-existent roof of glass...
Do they really believe that this is all a show to them?

Well then let's smoke all our skies
and choke ourselves down
Down, with a sick pleasure
That finally, they up there,
don't get the perverted pleasure by eyeing us anymore...

Worthy of love?

Am I worth it?

I really doubt it.

If I were, you would have seen it somehow, at some point of time.

I'm not.

I'm not it.

I'm not that thing you like... not even close.

This whole me?  It's wrong.

Nice guy? Curse that! Not even close...

I'm that you like being around;

I'm that you like talking to,

I'm that you fight with...

that you can rely on.

I'm that friend.

A friend I am.

I am that you pity on.

That is who I am...

A friend you pity on.

I am not what you truly deserve!

Not even as a friend, forget being a lover...

I'm not that.

I,

I know I am not that.

Every time I breath in, I remind myself of that...

I am not that.

Every time I breath out, it kills me...

that I am not that.

I don't know why it's that!

I pray I could change;

I pray I could be that... you know...

I try, desperately, shamelessly, to not to pray!

But I am that.

It is that irrevocable.

I try, I fail, and I try and I fail...

I can't blame you... I blame me.

Blame be on me, but I can't cease to exist either!

I'm scared!

I'm scared I won't remember you if I don't exist...

I choose to live... be agonizing as it may...

I wish to live; and know you till I can.

I'm sorry I am this!

I know it's repulsive... even be disgusting!

But I am this...

I'd rather be gone, than be this...

I love you and I'm sorry I do!

I love you, I can't help it.

I'm sorry I am this... I don't like this me either...

I will change I promised.

I will change, I promised myself too...

But I've known me for so long!

I'm not good at keeping promises...

I will be gone till I change I said.

So will I, till I change.

If, and when I come back,

please let me back in...

I know it is far-fetched!

I know I am this... I know I don't change...

But I honestly wish I do.

I wish I do, and I wish that I could have that again...

I wish I could have that little space in you.

Little, insignificant, but I wish I get that again.

I wish it all truly...

I wish I would be there with you for like forever

I wish I will never drink myself to sleep

I wish that you, sometimes, even for a minute, remember me...

and I wish, if, and when you do, you smile a little!

I wish it all, and I wish it all come true...

But above all, I wish somewhere there exists another universe;

I wish somehow you're with me!
I wish I'd be worthy of your love there,

and I wish you love me there...

I wish it all happens there.

But even there, if it costs me what it costs me here,

I wish that universe ceases to exist...

Never to Love

Never to love - that's the dream.
every time you fall in and out
every time you're broken
sometimes you mend yourself
sometimes time does it for you
you get back up, you get out there and find a new one
you find a new way to get yourself beaten up again

But there comes a point when you will be shattered for real
you will lose all love that you had for life
there is knife inside you and it's waiting
it's waiting for that time to start piercing out from within
slowly carving tiny words to scar for life
slowly stabbing like it's just its routine
pray you don't find yourself there
it's agonizing

If you can decide now, if you have the heart, the will...
decide now; decide that you will never love
and that heart of yours? let it not go through that pain
pray now, think now and decide now
because when you find yourself there
you would dream to have never loved

Never to love - that is the dream
dream it now, maybe it will come true for you

The Writer Me

I like this

I like that, I like stuff that make you laugh.

I like fights, I like to ride!

But I all I do of those things is write.

I am this I could be that...

People tell me this all the time.

I could do that, no big deal is that,

I would do it, sure it's just that!

Chose and heard, heard and chose,

I do stuff that's good, and I do stuff good.

But all that I do, I end up getting here...!

I write stuff, that's who I am!

I write stuff, stuff that's shit.

I write it, even the ones lame.

I write things, they don't look pretty!

I write them, they don't follow no grammar!

I write all that, it's what I do...

It's what I've been doing ever since I started writing!

I am this and I am that!

But all that I am, I only express with this!

These words are what I am... was, am and will be no doubt!

I breathe them in and breathe them out!

I am that crappy writer you hate.

Crappy writer; I am that.

But I am one, a writer that is,that's what I am!

Genius

(To that kid who went to school with me...)

You are genius.
I know it isn't easy being that!
But you are what you are.

True, genius is frowned upon,
it's laughed at, and it is mocked a bit too.
Genius is not appreciated always.
It is not really received well.
It is blamed, beaten up sometimes!
But it is what it is, and you -
you are what you are.

But you have to see something:
Genius walks along with genius in the end.

True, despite the knowledge and intelligence,
and the brilliance that come to be out of them,
it is hard not to feel like the odd one out - always!

But you have to know something:
The odd ones are special; there are very few of you!

If I could go back in time, I would make you realize it.
Irony of life isn't it? Me showing You things!
But even the best of minds could do with help.
Help from the least expected source.

I would ask you to look at me
and look through me and think of this:
Would you be rather me, wanting to be you?
would you be yourself, just the way you are?

True, it only gets harder as time goes by.
But even today, come to think of it -
who would you rather be?
I know the answer - no doubt you do too!

Take heed brother, I talk to you because
It takes more than just a simple mind to make sense of my words.
You are better off being you.
The world is too because of you.

But it is not forever.
The aim is to have a world with no geniuses.
For when genius is everywhere, genius is nowhere!
That is the world you strive to build.

Know this, you are sculpting future for better.
The future, where none looks at things,
and not think through things...
where you are smiled at not mocked!

That's the dream and you will help it come true.
You have to, you are partly to be blamed!
You helped us beat evolution!
The lot of us who are not supposed to be here, are here,
because of geniuses like you.

Be patient sister, it took centuries for people
to stop wanting to kill geniuses!
They've made good progress.
They try understanding genius now.
Soon they'll truly appreciate and they will all want to be you.

Until then, be what you are... we need you.

A Little More Time...

I'm dying and I know it...

I'm not afraid of death,

but I don't want it!

I want to live... but I know I can't..

I just want to make sure that

that those I love won't suffer when I'm gone...

I will be gone and I know it.. 

I don't want to leave but

what choice do I have!?

I really would like to grow old, go senile and to wish I was dead already but

I don't really have much choice.

Half blind, weak, bleak and rotting,

I don't deserve this place anymore.

I only need to make sure that

that the ones I love will have it all..

that they won't worry when I'm gone

that they won't need me and so

so they won't miss me.

My pride's no more, my health's no more.

Time failed! I'm only glad that alcohol hasn't yet!

When I'm gone, and when I meet that Creator,

I'll only want to remember one thing to ask...

I'll ask the Creator that

that I know you're not bound by emotions and feelings!

that you're the one who created those but,

why did you want me to go through all that I had to go through!?

Creator! why this!? I'm asking on behalf of every sentient soul who ever lived - 

why us?

To me, you don't have the need to feel!

To me, you created it all!

To me, it seems like you're giving devil the upper hand - it is not fair!!

Why this? Why us? Why now?

Too bad you're the Creator or

or I would've asked you to be in my place for a minute!

Too bad I'm too insignificant to ask it all!

Too bad I can think these stuff the way I think!!

I'm OK with all of that my God.

I just cannot die yet.

I, I need a little more time...

Just a little more time to fix things! Please?

Rot me in hell for all that you had intended me to do, I don't mind

I don't mind and I know I don't have a say...

Just let me live for some more time and

Let me not go blind till the time I die...

A little more time is all I ask.

Know you had it all written.

But could you please change it this one time...

..and give me a little more time?

I'd praise you till the end of all hell while I burn and rot there... 

For just a little more time...

I swear upon you I will.

Unloving

Unloving...
The more I think, the more I wonder!
How do you unlove someone?

Now hating is not hard.
Reasons help you hate.
Good, or bad - doesn't matter.
With reasons, you hate.

But unloving is hard.
How do you unlove?
How do you reciprocate having no feeling?

Say there was a void and love filled itself.
How do you empty it again?
How do you spill love out without filling in hatred.

Would time be of any help?
Should you just wait for another love to fill in the void?
Would you have unloved the person then?

How do you unlove?
All the reasons, right and wrong don't seem to help!
Every vain attempt seems so senseless after it fails.

Would it help when you die?

What's Not Meant

Walk up to the moon, can you?

Pointing at the horizon, he said; walk up to the moon there.

Not everything is possible son, some things are meant not to be done!

You’re not meant to fly. The fish not meant to walk. The birds not meant to lie down.

As is the world’s nature; so are the laws that bind the worlds together. Just the way they are…

At Peace... :)

At peace, I said that day, I want to be at peace...
It was almost midnight,
we were almost having our time together.
Almost... except,
I was working and you were watching,
and waiting...

I saw you watching me
and I said, just five more minutes :)
I was almost done. I sighed and I said
I want to be at peace! Only for a minute...

I remember that look.
That kind look and that pure smile!
With that smile you said,
sleep, you'll finish the work and we'll have our 'our time' when I wake you up.

Sleep, I did, at your place, on your couch.
It was morning and it was your old alarm clock that shook me up.
I looked to my side and saw you sleeping!
You were up the next second.
You were up and you smiled.
The sleepy face, messed up hair and that look again...
It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen!

You din't wake me up - I said.
You wanted to be at peace, you said.
And you slept with me? I asked.
And you said -
I wanted to be at peace too...

It was that that made you special.
Well, among many other things... :)
But it was that that's most special
and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard!

I miss those days.
And with every passing day, I miss you more.

These days I wonder,
how am I ever going to find someone like you!
Find, and replace...
It's what I do these days.
Wonder and wander through the past.

And when I want to be at peace
I walk alone and I think of you.

And I have been walking alone a lot...

Single Stuff I

If you don't stumble enough, you won't learn how to break a fall.

Not Taking Life Seriously

Incidents that were incomplete in memory,

ideas that never made to papers,

ideals that only existed in words...

I am the perfect example of imperfection.

Good times, bad times; some never recorded, some never reminded.

Gone were the winds, so were the thoughts...

Guts be it, insanity be it.

Glad those mistakes made their way into life.

Second after second, day after day, year after year,

I do, and I do the same.

Every single day that I wake up to,

I realize it's yet another day

and I'm still alive...

Another day that I'm thankful for...

For not taking life too seriously.

Seriously, life is too simple a thing to boggle about.

Life, the short little interval -

turns a lie without fun!

A pinch of hope is all it takes.

A pinch of hope is what is takes to keep going...

You see those homeless kids?
They might never have had three meals a day!
You see them when they play?
In the dirt, under the sun and while it rains?
You know what holds them strong?
Watch their eyes smile when they're happy...

Happy they are, they are in the moment
and happy they are, they have hope in their hearts...

Things would turn up alright for them
that's the hope... Amen to that.

They may face grave perils on their way, God forbid.
But their hope will keep them going...

You know what I hope?
I hope the faith in life never fades.

That tiny little belief that light their lives,
may that stay on forever...

More to it

Tiny droplets fall down.
Billions of them hit down every second!

What if they're all the souls that lived on Earth?
Coming down to visit their old homes...
Cursing us for the destruction we've caused
Wishing we're washed off of the face of this planet
Trying to drown us to cleanse the land they belonged to...

Billions of them fall down in the name of rain.
Rain, the grand melt-down. Is it just condensed vapor?

Or could there more to it?

That Makes You Human!

It's there. It's been there.
It's in us, deep within us.

It's in you. Inside of you...
Sometimes you nurture it.
And when you nurture it, you nurture it in your heart.

And no it isn't love.
Love's good, love's pure.
but then love's also got motive...
This doesn't. Its roots go longer than your veins!

I swear it isn't love.
Love's no fun when there's no getting back.
This is. It's more fun when you give it than get it...
Love's more fun when you were in love, in the past.
But so was kindergarten. Too much effort, but you forgot it!

This was fun then.
Do it now and it's fun now.
Trust me you have it inside you.
You did what you did then with heart,
You did good. It's good that you did good.
You did not have to do that. Yet you did, and did not speak of it.

You believe God knows it?
Well so he does everything else.
Your sins, he knows; you speak of it.
Trust me, I should know. I speak of mine.
You know it feels good when you do good!
You know why you do good when you aren't asked to?
Because you're hardwired to do good. You're designed with it.

Sometimes you raise it.
You raise it good, you spread it good.
And you end up great, making a difference.
But you're no different. There were others before,
and there'll be more after. But it's good there'll be more.
It is ok if that difference is short-lived. No, you are not a fool!
Fool is he, who looks to his shoulders and sees no brother, no peer.
He is that man who has no sister to wish him peace. You're not him.

You, you have compassion. Compassion makes you great, it takes you high. It makes you human!

Genetically Lunatic!

Great men who dreamed of big things,
their creed in guiding humanity,
their vision in driving future generations towards continued existence in harmony,
and their flawed foresight that failed to see that such dreams were not meant to come true...

Those men and women, I worry, are crying in their graves due to our state of play.

Those great minds did not see
that efforts were already being thwarted right then by puny narcissists.

They failed to think, to see that difference as we'd see
would be a lot different from what they had in mind!
I feel sorry for them.

They did not realize that kindness, compassion and humility that ran through their veins,
might not run through their bloodlines.

If only they knew that their genes of goodness were the odd ones out
and that they didn't stand a chance against the widespread epidemic of lunacy...

They could not have guessed that they planned whatever they planned
only to fade away in papers.

They definitely did not see that the rest of the world is genetically lunatic
and there is absolutely no redemption...